Yes, when you go to the Allergist, they will tell you everything you want to know about allergies and how they affect your body... But there are a few things that they won't tell you.
1. They don't tell you that you will repeatedly have to tell your child sorry.
I can not tell you the amount of times that I have told Jack, "Sorry Bud..." since finding out about his allergies. He just replies back with, " It's okay, Mom." I know that it's not my fault but I can't help but feel so very sorry for him. I hate it when he feels left out. I never wanted anything like that for my children.
2. They don't tell you how often your child will cry because something they once loved they can't have anymore.
Seriously, this is the most heartbreaking thing. You can find other alternatives but they are never the same, I promise.
3. They won't tell you that you will end up being the bad guy in every situation of you telling them they can't have something.
Yes, in the heat of the moment, Jack has told me that sometimes he wishes I was dead because Daddy would give him anything that he wanted if he just asked for it. The truth behind this is, His Dad would do everything in his power to keep him safe and healthy. But You have to remember, your child is hurting... sometimes it makes them feel better if they aren't the only one hurting. I'm not going to lie, sometimes these words sting a little in the moment... but he doesn't mean them. He usually apologizes afterwards.
4. They don't tell you that most people just really don't care that your child has an allergy if it doesn't directly effect them.
In a Perfect world, everyone would be more understanding and would be interested and proactive in finding out what your little one is and is not allergic to. They would make special meals/treats because they know that your little one will be there and won't want them to feel left out. They would care a little more about their feelings. But the truth is.... That is unrealistic.
Until you have an immediate family member that you are constantly taking care of, and having to make sure they don't break out in hives or anaphylaxis due to something they ate, honestly you just won't get it. I mean, I don't think that I really got it until Jack was diagnosed. Not that I would ever want anyone to feel left out, because that was not the case at all.... I just didn't think about it. I was ignorant when it came to things like that because I just didn't know. I had no knowledge whatsoever... I wasn't trying to purposefully be an asshole. I just didn't think about it.
5. They don't tell you that you will have to watch your child with their internal struggles while they watch people around you eating foods they wish they could have. They also don't tell you that your child will always feel left out or that they will have to go without in some situations.
I have had numerous times, where I have had to pick up the slack in so many situations. I'm not complaining because that is my job as his parent... And I'm not judging.. I think that a lot of times people don't think about it. I hate to use the term "self centered" but aren't we all a little self centered at times. The truth is, I can't tell you the amount of times that someone has made something or brought something that Jack can't have to a family event or birthday party. Stuff that he absolutely loved before.... And it's torture for him... which leads me to the next point...
6. They won't tell you that your child will be embarrassed every time you tell them they can't have something in front of anyone.
They won't tell you that it will take a toll on both of you. Because both of you just want him to feel normal. They don't tell you that they will grow up way to fast because of it. They won't be able to enjoy that carefree life that so many children do.
7. They don't tell you that your child will start to withdraw from social outings because they " can't have the food anyways..."
When you are allergic to foods, especially with the list that Jack was given, It can be extremely overwhelming. When we first started eliminating foods, he felt like there was nothing good that he could eat. He would get invited to birthday parties and would tell me he didn't want to do. He wouldn't want to go to family get togethers. I tried to help in ways that I could, buying him a substitute for cupcakes and other goodies that would be at parties... But it just wasn't the same... They didn't have the colorful frostings and things like the other ones did... You could put a toy on top but it was still "different".
8. They don't tell you that it is a learning curve. You will definitely mess up a few times. You may accidentally promise something and then realize that it has one of the ingredients he is allergic to in it and immediately take it away.
I learned this the hard way when on Mother's Day, we went out to eat at Outback Steak House. I felt like we were doing really good. We ordered Jack a steak cooked in butter, steamed veggies and a salad. He was on Cloud 9 when he discovered we had found something he could have. When dessert time came around, we decided to go get ice cream from the store afterwards. News Flash!!! Most ice creams (besides Tillamook - which we learned afterwards) contain High Fructose Corn Syrup. Yea, so Jack cried and cried for a long time. That was when we found out that he could have Frozen Yogurt from Yogurtland. He was on cloud 9 again.... But there is definitely a learning curve there...
You are going to have those tough times that the Allergist won't tell you about. I highly recommend connecting with some other moms on Facebook who have children with allergies. It was amazing what I learned from them. They had already been going through the process for a while and could help me with what products worked for what allergy. I honestly am so blessed to have so many amazing women in my life who give me strength on the hard days.
I hope this helps someone.
Have a great day!
"How did not getting a cake turn into a full fledged project of building a Captain America Shield?", my husband inquired as he and Jack walked into the dark garage to go pick up some supplies.
When you have a child with allergies, you have to get creative when it comes to doing a reward system. It's hard to watch your child, feeling left out while others are enjoying a treat that they once enjoyed themselves but can no longer have.
"Food rewards" aren't really an option. I can tell you from personal experience, it's not as easy as you might think. I always wanted to try to find options for Jack so that he didn't feel left out, but sometimes, he still would. He would feel like that kid that had to have the "special boring" snack.
Most people who don't have someone in their immediate family with food allergies, don't understand what goes into making sure there isn't a particular ingredient that would harm their sweet little boy. I have made my own mistakes along the way, being a new mom to this whole "food allergy" world. No one is perfect.
In a perfect world, everyone would be considerate of allergies in every social situation. In the real world, that's not even feasible because truth be told, there are so many different allergies out there and most people just don't understand them. Before Jack was diagnosed, I can tell you that I sure the heck didn't. It's not that people are trying to be mean or inconsiderate - It legitimately doesn't even cross their minds. It's not something they deal with everyday. ( So all the haters - So cut them some slack.)
When you are in the comforts of your own home, you can make the mistake of thinking that you have this whole thing figured out. You can stock your cabinets with only foods that your child can have. You can commit as a family that you will only eat foods that your child can have so they don't feel left out. But the truth is, when you are not in that environment and you aren't there, your child is going to have to face those challenges and disappointments. You can't think of everything all the time. They are at one point or another going to feel like they are being left out.
There are going to be those times that you are at a birthday party or another social gathering - serving foods that your child may love, but they can't have. This passed week, I kept asking Jack if he was excited for his friend's birthday party at an indoor play area. I asked him if he was excited to play with his friends outside of school. He shrugged his shoulders and said, " I don't really feel like going. I think I'm just going to stay home." When I asked him "Why Not?", he responded back with, " I am okay, Mom. It's not like I could eat the cake, pizza or other food anyways." Guys, My 6 year old, social butterfly of a son, was reclusing inward because he felt like, " he didn't fit in anymore" because of something that is completely out of his control. He had convinced himself that he wouldn't have a good time and would be left out.
(Pause while my heart breaks for him.)
I knew that we would be attending a family party that very same night for my mother in law. I knew that there were going to be foods there that he wouldn't be able to have. Before even going, I had already looked up the menu online. Truth be told, there weren't a lot of options for him at the Italian Restaurant. Especially since he was trying to eliminate all gluten.
We decided that we would order the steak with a side salad and broccoli on the side. Yea, every six year old's dream to have a side of broccoli, am I right? I know, First World Problems. No need to blow up the comments with messages about "oh poor little guy had to eat a juicy steak, how horrible.." yada yada yada. But this is a six year old that we are talking about. One who used to LOVE pasta. Why not get him potatoes, then? Well, funny story - he's allergic to those too.
The night came and he ate all of his food - not one single complaint. Not a single inquiry of why he was not able to order pasta. Then it happened, the temptation of one little crouton on a plate beside him got the best of him. He decided to indulge when I wasn't looking and learned the hard way. Within minutes, he was having stomach pains and was rushing to the restroom 2-3 different times. Before we left the restroom the third time, he turned to me and said, "Mom, I probably can't have the cake either, can I?" The disappointment read all over his face - I looked down, frowned, shook my head, crying on the inside for him, and said, "Sorry bud. You probably shouldn't have it. I know it's hard bud." He put his head down as he finished drying off his hands, exited out the door towards his seat. We arrived just in time to watch them cut the cake and then pass it out. Knowing how hard it was for him, I told him we would go get him some frozen yogurt afterwards. I told him I wasn't going to eat any cake either.
I watched as his eyes went back and forth, looking at each person that was eating cake. (Note: I'm not writing this to shame or make anyone feel badly, this is just to give insight into the situation.) I asked him if it would be easier for him if we just waited outside for everyone. He said, " No Mom, it's okay."
My mother in law must have seen the disappointment on his face because she offered him a piece of gum instead - that we also had to turn down because, well, being allergic to preservatives and dyes suck!
I decided to get my phone out in hopes that scrolling through Pinterest might help him not think about the cake. Right about then, the cake was sat down right in front of him. I could tell that it was all that he could do not to look at it. Not to stick his little finger out just to get a little taste of cream cheese frosting. I told him I had an amazing idea and asked him if he wanted to walk outside with me so we could talk about it. I asked him if he would like to look for a fun project that we could make together. He suggested something Marvel since his current love of Captain America and Iron Man ran deep. We decided to scroll through Pinterest.One of the photographs caught his interest and his eyes lit up. I could see the excitement growing inside of him. We left not too long after that.
Kirk, being the Super Hero dad that he is, decided to drop me and the other kids off at the house so he and Jack could go on their special adventure. They planned out their project and what all they would need before heading out the door. He even sent me this adorable selfie of them getting frozen yogurt before grabbing the supplies.
(Photo Here)
Guys, anyone that tells you that having a child with food allergies is "easy" is lying. There are so many things that happen behind the scenes that no one will ever know. If you aren't looking, you could miss out on all the inside struggles your child is going through.
Sometimes you have to do some extra work. You have to get creative and think outside of the box. As Jack's parents, we never wanted him to feel like this was "HIS Allergy". We never want to single him out. That makes him feel alone in this journey. I never want my son to think he is alone to deal with any issue that he faces, whether now or in the future. I will always be an advocate for him. Standing there, Letting him know that we support him 110 percent of the time. I will gladly miss out on what ever he needs me to, so that he knows that his family is right here beside him and he is not and will never be alone.
So how is that " missing out on cake turned into a project...:"
Sometimes, some of peoples best work is done in a moment of frustration, confusion, etc.We love him unconditionally and want to be there when he needs someone to lean on when he needs an outlet. Building has always been an outlet for him. So, with that being said, we plan to keep building whenever and whatever he needs help with.
I love you, Jack!
“Into the mountains we go to lose our mind and find our souls.” ⛰
Whenever we are up at the cabin, Jack is outside. He would live on the ATVs if we let him. There is no question that he was born to be out in Nature. He has such a passion for it and always has. The thrill of learning new skills... Going off the normal beaten path. I have always loved that he has never let anyone dictate who and what he should be. He loves what he loves and seeks those things out.
Some may say he is too young for a lot of things... But The Good Lord put a great head on his shoulders and gave him skills some grown men haven’t been blessed with. He knows this and is modest about it. But, he’s also not afraid to tell it how it is. I am a blessed mama.
